"Sermon From the Ivory Tower" OR "Kids these days..."

So I sat in a meeting with a ton of community minded people who are looking into ways to help young people and promote healthier living.

Some of the stories that came from the discussions were shocking to me.  Children as young as in Grade 8 are drinking IN SCHOOL.  Some of them are using their water bottles and filling it with booze and bringing it to class.

Drugs and gambling are also issues that educators are facing within the confines of their schools and the question was, “How do we combat this?  What can we do to prevent this type of behavior?”

For years, the message has been preached to the children through programs like D.A.R.E in Grade 6, The PARTY program for Grade 9 students and SADD members in High School.  Clearly, the effort to reach the students is there…and still the problems occur.  

Then, someone around the table had the brilliant observation that perhaps it is the parents we need to be targeting with our message.

As a parent myself, I know that I don’t always make the right decisions, but I have a sense of what is right and wrong that, apparently, is not within the grasp of others.

For instance, there is the example of parents who served alcohol (coolers) to the 14 year old guests of their daughter’s birthday party.   The defense of this ridiculous decision was that “I would rather my children drink in front of me where I can control it, as opposed to out at a bush party where I don’t know what is going on.”  Even more incredulous to me was the statement that followed, defending these people as “good parents”.

Really?  Good parents?  Let’s look at that for a moment.  

If their children were to walk into a bar, and were served a drink, the bar would lose their liquor license and be charged for serving alcohol to minors.  Why?  BECAUSE IT IS AGAINST THE LAW!  Does being a “GOOD PARENT” equate in any way with breaking the law?  Why stop at just alcohol?  Why not break out a few joints for the kids, or a bag of cocaine that they can split into lines for everyone… hey… they are going to do it anyway, right?  At least you can be watching them while they do it!  What about the parents of the other children at the party?  Were they contacted and told about how these MODEL PARENTS were acting as bartenders for their children?  

What does this teach the children?  Some laws are ok to break so long as you do it at home?  

Frankly, the argument that keeping it at home is a way to monitor what is going on is garbage.  I believe there is a far more pathetic reason for allowing this and it was verified by others around the table during the meeting.

The parents need to be “cool” or their child’s “best friend”.

You hear it more and more these days.  Kids that are out of control and are doing their own thing with little to no discipline from the parents because they are afraid their kids won’t like them anymore if they are punished.

I have news for these particular parents… IT IS NOT YOUR JOB TO BE YOUR CHILD’S FRIEND.  They have their FRIENDS to do that for them.  Your job is to educate your child, help them grow up, teach them about the consequences of their actions and decisions, urge them to follow their dreams and help them become a responsible adult who can make a positive contribution to society.

Look, I am by no means the perfect parent.  And I realize how terribly judgmental I am sounding in making these statements, as I have not walked in anyone else’s shoes but my own.  I lived a very boring childhood, with few friends.  I was not deemed cool or invited to parties.  I have never once taken an illegal drug in my life, and I didn’t have my first drink until I was 22.  To say that I lived a sheltered life is kind of an understatement.  I spent my weekends at my Grandma’s house… so in short… I was a parent’s wet dream.

What I do know is this.  From very early on, I taught my daughter life is about choices and she has the power to make the good and bad ones all on her own.  With that power she also was taught the choices she made had consequences, both good and bad.  When she would act up and was punished, she tried to manipulate the situation and claim ‘it’s not fair’; ‘You’re being mean”, and all the others kids roll out when they feel they are being wrongly persecuted.  And every single time I would remind her that SHE made the choice.  SHE had the power within her to decide how this situation would end up.  Had she decided to make the “right” decision… she would in all likelihood receive the result she wanted.

Soon I found that I really didn’t have to punish my child that often, since she was making the right decisions most of the time.   Furthermore, she feels like she has the power to achieve anything she sets her mind to.  She doesn’t feel like the victim of circumstance because she knows she had power throughout the entire process, regardless of the event.  Win/Win all around.  I still screw up... there's no manual to follow for parenting and we are all learning at the same time and pace as our children.  But this is what has worked for me so far... of course, I still have my daughter's teenage years ahead of me...so who knows what to expect.

All the same, I can’t help but wonder if parents stopped worrying about being their kids’ friend and started being their parent, if we would be seeing as many of these situations develop?

As for the solution to the issue at hand... the group is discussing a wide ranging marketing effort aimed at the parents.   Changing what is deemed as "acceptable behaviour" or the "societal norm" is not going to be easy.  There are plenty of aspects to discuss and not everything is flushed out just yet, but it has to start somewhere.  While it's important to educate the students...it may be even moreso to inform the parents.

In the meantime, I am left to try and pinpoint the exact moment that I started sounding like my parents. (At least I haven't started yelling at the neighborhood kids to stay of my lawn... YET.